Poster Identities
Here's a rerun of one of my favorite series of joke posts. I'll provide some fresh Director's Commentary after.
With Cohost on the Cusphost of throwing open its doors to the masses I've decided I'm going to squat on the following Poster Identities and only relinquish them after being paid a ransom:
- willfully obtuse f2p apologist games journo
- guy that intentionally surfaces hate speech to dunk on it
- beloved community pillar who got exhausted of online visibility & now makes one post every eight weeks at MOST
- artist that very conspicuously never interacts with their peers
- porn reposter who's strangely comfortable keeping their audience abreast of the two-or-three life-altering crises they're currently navigating at any given moment
- comedian who's going to start doing outright hate speech in 8-12 months but for now has some good bits about food truck tacos
- Honey Nut Cheerios Bee rebrand attempt, Cohost Edition
- cause gadfly whose screenname is primarily hashtags & flag emoji
- seething antishipper who has made it their life's work to remind people that Knuckles the Echidna is 16 years of age
If you want to be any of these posters, too bad! Bidding starts at three hundred American dollars
more poster identities have fallen under my control
- neolib wonk that rose to undeserving prominence via stale, strident dunks and is very clearly posting through multiple breakdowns per day
- dirtbag leftist podcaster whose body of work seems to have a real bone to pick with girls having Amazon wishlists
- guy who seems basically fine & whom you've never had an actual bad interaction with but who is just a LITTLE too familiar with his female mutuals in public and also has a kind of facial hair that makes you not trust him and while you acknowledge that attempting to explain WHY you find this kind of facial hair distrustful would make you sound justifiably insane you must ALSO acknowledge that distrusting this kind of facial hair has never once in your life steered you wrong
- activist whose activism appears to center around making public threats of violence against well-known figures and then acting smug after their account gets suspended
- jugged-up foodfluencer
- poster that steals content and reposts it with captions like "Oh my god" or "I died"
- poster that once had friends, a life, and a future whose feed is now 130% devoted to incomprehensible ramblings about Final Fantasy 14
- artist who announces social media breaks four times a week
- gacha simp (sad)
- gacha simp (powerful)
The starting bid for any of these poster identities now stands at 500 American dollars. DMpost me with your bid soon, these identities are going fast!!!
the grind never stops. I have acquired new poster identities
- Longwinded wokescold unaware of how carefully siloed-off they have been by all their real-life friends
- Edgy irony guy who just became a parent & is rediscovering humanity
- Blinkered codemaven posting 8 times a day predicting Cohost's imminent failure who's clearly getting more and more corncobbed as the site continues to grow in popularity (this one just opened up)
- Pet roleplay account beloved by every single user of the website
- Pet roleplay account despised by every single user of the website that turns out to also be racist
- Opinionated mixed-media artist & occultist showing all the symptoms of undiagnosed Ehlers-Danlos and possibly also rabies
- Celeb (benign)
- Celeb (problematic)
- Celeb (formerly problematic but you can't really remember what for and they've got a new thing coming out that sounds cool so maybe it's time for a redemption arc)
- Your former bully who's REALLY hoping you'll forget all the unforgivable things they did & said now that you're both on a new website
- Owner/operator of competing social media service who's just here to gather material for a demented 160-tweet callout thread (Popular! Going fast!)
Due to overwhelming I have raised the price for all of my premium poster identities to 1,000 USD per identity. Don't miss out! Get yours today!
director's commentary
- Underrated aspect of these posts: my completely-unacknowledged deployment of "Cusphost" and "DMpost".
- I think "cause gadfly" is one of the more powerful phrases I've ever come up with. I think it really really sucks how existing on a social media platform makes people feel like in order to be viewed as Good they have to announce a public stance against everything Bad. I think that does some extremely weird stuff to your brain and makes you less than useless as a force for change
- Similarly, the one about the person whose activism primarily takes the form of getting banned for threats was about a very specific former friend who had made themselves basically unfindable on social media by virtue of getting into arguments with right-wing chuds, getting tilted, making graphic threats, getting banned, and then remaking an account that fewer and fewer of their friends knew about. It's impossible to not view this as an insanely damaging form of self-harm; imagine basically divorcing yourself from dozens of friends because you're addicted to publicly broadcasting impotent rage against nobody bigots
- The "blinkered codemaven" one was about a very specific Cohost user whose name completely escapes me now, and will escape me forevermore I suppose
- As you might intuit from the last entry, that post was made back when the Dreamwidth owner was issuing their utterly deranged fatwa against Cohost based entirely on a performative misinterpretation of the site's TOS. The "160-tweet" thing was not an exaggeration, either. What a psychopath. Remembering that makes me extra glad that Cohost's staff decided to shut down when they did; that's the kind of behavior that doing too much website work for too little money for too long provokes
- "jugged-up foodfluencer" has a cellar door quality
- I'm really glad Final Fantasy 14 has left the zeitgeist. God that game was ugly as bugfuck. Unfortunately that psychic real estate has been more or less wholly subsumed by Hoyoverse gacha shit, so it's hard to say that there's been any overall improvement
- The "kind of facial hair" I refer to in the second post is, for me, the classic Tinder Bear Beard. Y'know, the one that's got a partial chin component with a usually-overgroomed mustache that overhangs the upper lip? Can't trust it, man. I've only ever known demons and predators with that beard. If I know you online and you have that beard and are offended I'm sorry but if you're chill you should really consider shaving before we ever meet in person because I WILL immediately mentally sort you into the "Enemy" category and that is a PROMISE